Episode 159 - Divorce The Beginning, Not the End

Divorce can often feel like the solution to many problems, but as discussed, it frequently leads to new challenges, especially for families with children. Jessy Revivo emphasizes that the complications of co-parenting can strain relationships and create environments filled with anxiety and discomfort during family gatherings.

The Reality After Divorce
- **Shared Events**: Family occasions can become uncomfortable as ex-spouses and their new partners navigate interactions filled with unresolved feelings.
- **Impact on Children**: Children often observe the tension between divorced parents, which can affect their own understanding of relationships and conflict resolution.
- **Financial Strain**: Divorce can lead to increased financial burdens, particularly when legal disputes arise, further complicating family dynamics.

Jessy's insights encourage us to reconsider divorce as a solution and instead focus on nurturing our relationships while we still have the chance.

#divorce 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

End of the conflict or the beginning? Did you get divorced? Are you thinking about getting divorced? I got news for you. If you think that pulling the plug on that marriage commitment, that commitment to your family is going to be the end of your problems, you've got another thing coming. It's just the beginning of most of your problems. Problems that you never would have otherwise had if you dealt with them when you could. It's not fun. Oftentimes it just compounds the problem, makes it so much worse than it needs to be. Especially if you have children. And the more children you have and the younger they are, the more challenges will come after the divorce.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

The trust factor is a ticket to a better life. The trust factor shows you how to get through the life.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

I really hope you had the chance to disconnect from the craziness, the mayhem that is out there every single day, whether it's at work, whether it's at home, whether it's with the news. Hopefully it's not at home. Hopefully it's outside of the home. Like I said, work or news. If you can, that is your day. If you have any chance of being able to disconnect and getting a little bit of peace of mind, a little bit of clarity, a little bit of time to reflect and do that what's called Hidbo de Dut, to look inside, to do some soul searching, to review, to disconnect from the noise, to connect back to your creator. That's the time to do it. We get it once a week, my friends. 24 hours, 25 hours of opportunity. If you're not doing it every week, wow, are you missing out? I feel so bad for those people who are just treating a Saturday like any other day. Shopping, errands, running around, all kinds of craziness. Why? You get that six days a week. You get one day to unplug, you get one day to shut it all out by force. Because oftentimes, if we don't do things by force, they'll never get done. That's why God intervenes in our lives. That's why when he sees that we're not doing what we're supposed to do, he takes the necessary steps to make us do the certain things. Why? Because of his love for us. He doesn't want us to take that baggage with us to the next world. He wants you to clean up here and now. That's why you lose money when you get taken advantage of and you feel like you've been had. Well, it happened because he allowed it to happen. That's what happens when you fall off of a ladder when you've never fallen off of a ladder before. He's sending you a message. He's slowing you down. He's giving you the things that are going to clean you up in this world so that you don't have to deal with them in the next, and so on and so forth. So stun up and take that inventory every single week. Aside from all the amazing benefits that come with Shabbat, connecting back to your family, connecting with your children on an intellectual level. They can't be on their technology. You can't be on your technology. Your phone is not an option. Your television is not an option. Do you know what is? Community, friends, family, learning, prayer, singing, food, all these amazing things that we dream about all week long. You get to have them. Unfettered access to it once a week. Please, if you haven't started doing it, start incorporating Shabbat in your life. And I have news for you. It's not just the Jewish nation that's doing it these days, with people like Charlie Kirk, who passed away not long ago, promoting the idea of Shabbat. The other nations are jumping on the bandwagon. I want to tell you a quick story and then we'll move on. A long time ago, probably 25 years ago, I was in a business that required me to go out to Kentucky. I went out to what's called the Bible Belt. All right. If you've never been there before, it's something to be seen. I'd never been there before. It was 25 years ago. I was a young man, 25, 26 years old. And I went out with my wife to a conference for the company that I was working with. They called that area the Bible Belt for a reason. Everybody is deeply religious in those areas. And every few miles that you drive, you run into another building the size of I don't even know what to compare it to. A stadium is tiny compared to these buildings. They're monstrous and they're gorgeous and they're multi, probably hundreds of millions of dollars just to build one of these buildings. And they're literally every two, three miles. It's crazy how many of these churches exist. But that's the Bible Belt. That's where people who love God tend to live. Now, as a Jew, I wasn't sure how they would receive me. I had no idea, good, bad, or otherwise. And so I was careful and I wore a hat everywhere that I went to be able to cover this. Now it might have been ignorance, but and certainly I was lacking in the level of Amuna, because today that wouldn't even be a question. But back then I didn't know what to expect. So there I was wearing a hat, sitting at a banquet with people around the table, and food is being served. And once everybody had their food in front of them and were eating, they couldn't help but notice that my wife and I weren't eating. And so the lady sitting beside me turns to me and asks, Are you not hungry? What's going on? And I said to her, No, we keep kosher. At which point her eyes lit up, her eyes widened, and she looked at me like I was an alien. And I thought, uh oh, here it goes. And she looked at me and she asked, Are you Jewish? And I said, Yeah. And she said, Wow. And continued for the next 15 minutes to explain to me how her and her group of friends love the Jews and how they learn so much from the Jewish nation. And that the thing that she loves most of all is that her and her friends keep Shabbat every single week. Not just that, they keep the holidays. They build a sukkah in their backyard. Do you understand? This is the other nations who understand that we are a nation that was chosen by God to be his representative nation. And so if we're going to do the things that he wants us to do, then we're doing the right things. And that they should mimic us. Even if we're not doing it, they're going to do it. So, my friends, tap into it. If the other nations know it and you're a Jew, then it shouldn't be a question. This should be second nature to you. Let's get back into it. But before we do, bad news out of the U.S. There's a senator, South Carolina senator. You've seen his face many times and you've heard his voice many times. You may not know his name, but it's Senator Lindsey Graham. Passed away yesterday, unexpectedly, was very healthy, had an incident. They're not saying what it was. Who knows? Maybe it was a heart attack, maybe it was something else, who knows? But he's gone. But I want you to know why it's a big loss. Because people like Senator Lindsey Graham, may you rest in peace, were and are staunch advocates of Israel. The words that came out of his mouth that were unfiltered, that were not metered and measured because he knew right from wrong and he had absolute clarity. We don't have that today. We're missing clarity in politics like never before in history. We're missing clarity in general around the world. Never mind politics. So it's a breath of fresh air when you hear somebody like him, a lover of God, somebody who's clear on the difference between right and wrong, knows who the victim is and who the aggressor is, knows the value of the state of Israel, and is not scared to say exactly what he thinks and feels. And oftentimes he's bang on. But he's gone. And we don't have many like him. So we can only hope that in this generation somebody comes to replace him of even close to his caliber. Highly unlikely, my friends, that Israel needs all of the friends that it can get, especially in this day and age. So we'll hope that his Nishamah has an aliyah that his soul elevates in the next world in the merit of all of the wisdom and the clarity that he brought with regards to the state of Israel. Let's get into it. End of the conflict or the beginning? Did you get divorced? Are you thinking about getting divorced? I got news for you. If you think that pulling the plug on that marriage commitment, that commitment to your family is going to be the end of your problems, you've got another thing coming. It's just the beginning of most of your problems. Problems that you never would have otherwise had if you dealt with them when you could. Now that you're divorced, this is going to sound familiar to the divorcees out there. You're going to hear this and you're going to go, yep, he's absolutely right. It's not fun. You think it's the solution to your problem. Oftentimes it just compounds the problem, makes it so much worse than it needs to be. Especially if you have children. Especially if there is a big family, and the more children you have and the younger they are, the more challenges will come after the divorce. I'm going to read you some examples over here. Tell me how they resonate with you. Family affairs, birthday parties, barbecues, weddings, engagement parties become nightmares. Why? Because you're reconnecting with that thing that you're still holding resentment towards. You're still harboring all those negative feelings for your ex-spouse and maybe even their family members. And now your mutual children are getting engaged, or they're getting married, or they've got birthday parties, they've got simchas, they had a child, whatever it is. Now you've got to be there. You've got to show up. So the anxiety levels go through the roof on both sides. You don't want to see them and they don't want to see you. What did you achieve? That's what happens. Preparing the guest list is like walking in a minefield. Who do I want to see? Who do I not want to see? They want to see them, you don't want to see them. Too bad. What are you going to do? You're going to end up miserable at your own Simcha, at your own child's party. You're going to end up miserable. What a shame. Former spouses are placed in embarrassing situations where they have to encounter former and frequently hostile in-laws. You know what that's like. The in-laws you didn't get along with when you were married. Now that you're divorced, forget about it. And now you have to see these people and you have to look at the face and the judgment in their eyes. Come on, nobody wants to be put in that situation. It compounds when you're divorced. Second wives, the new wives and husbands that suddenly are part of the family, are forced to mingle with ex-wives and husbands. That's why divorcees usually dread all of these affairs that married people eagerly anticipate their entire lives. When you're married, okay, so you've got an in-law that you're not friendly with, but you've got your spouse's back and they've got yours. So there may be certain people that you might be uncomfortable around, but the reality is that if you're on the same page as your spouse, it makes it that much easier to make that guest list, to make sure that you're happy, to make sure that both of you are comfortable in your family affairs. But once you're divorced, you don't have a say, and they don't have a say. You're an individual and they're an individual. You chose them to be the parent of your child, and they chose you for the same, which means you're stuck with each other. As long as you have children together, you are stuck with each other. Now, thank God I can't identify with this, but I know people. Every family today has divorced couples in it. Everyone, it's a pandemic. And so you can see nine times out of ten, the relationship with the ex-spouse is not a good one. It just isn't. And if there are children there, then it's going to continue to negatively impact your relationship with your child and your ex-spouse's relationship with the child. They're going to look at you or going to say, look, these two who are supposed to be adults are behaving worse than children. They can't even get along. So what about me? What am I going to say? If they can't do it, then clearly it's too big of a challenge for me, and they'll learn that they shouldn't even attempt to make peace between them and the people that they don't get along with. Why? Because I saw my parents. They were one unit and suddenly they can't even see eye to eye on anything. Clearly, it's a big challenge. If they can't make it, then certainly I won't be able to either. Every time you get your life back on track, things are smooth. Business is operating well, your job, things are going well, you got a raise, it's quiet. Your children are living their own lives. You're living your own life. Your ex is living their own life. Everything is quiet, peaceful, and then suddenly a new event comes up, a new occasion comes up, and what happens? Old wounds are reopened again. And now you're forced back into that situation. Nobody wants to be in that situation. This is what divorcees deal with. Ask any one of them, and they will tell you. Even when you have contractual agreements, but the court ordered, he's on this day, I'm on that day, he's got this custody, I've got that custody. They've laid it out. It's in writing, it's in black and white. Come on. Everybody's got that. Does that stop them from the conflicts? Does that stop them? Life gets in the way. Things happen that aren't covered in those documents. And people try and push their boundaries all the time. They want to get more for themselves that the court didn't allot them, which means now you're going to be constantly battling, even though you've got it in writing, which God forbid now you've got police involved, you've got lawyers getting paid, big money, because everybody knows the only ones who come out successful from divorces are divorce lawyers. Money's going out, it's already tight as it is, but you have no choice because your ex is coming at you. So you've got to spend that money because they're not adhering to the rules that the court set out for them, and so on and so forth. What a nightmare. What a set of massive problems that we just don't need. Life is difficult enough as it is. Why do we need all of that? It makes the case for working on your relationship. Let me tell you about a video that I got on Friday from a friend of mine who listens to the podcast. He's not married, but he sent me this video thinking that Jesse's talking about this and this may resonate with him. Do you know what it is? It's Kelly Rippa and her husband. They've got a show. I don't know. I remember a long time ago with uh that old guy, I can't remember his name, but she had a show back then. Apparently, today she's got her own with her new husband. And what are they talking about? They're talking about the fact that when you notice your newly divorced friend, do you notice how they look so much better? Don't they look amazing? Aren't they like in great shape? And aren't they like tanned and happy and positive? Isn't that amazing? What does that tell you? And both of them are doing this, going back and forth talking about how all the girlfriends and the guy friends that they know look amazing. They look so much better today than they did when they were married. And they were saying, what a case it makes for divorce. What an amazing case. If you're suffering in a marriage, why do just look at your friends? That's how corrupt society is. That's what they're trying to push on you. And they're laughing about it as though it's a laughing matter. They're not laughing when it comes to the family affairs for their divorce edges. They're not seeing any of this because it's not getting posted on social media. But it's happening. They're not talking about it. Instead, they're making light. In fact, they're promoting this concept of divorce. But you know what's really happening? Do you know why those people look the best, better than they ever have? Is because they are back on the market. And just like social media, just like where they have to put their best foot forward again, they're suddenly making themselves up and they're suddenly going to the gym again, and they're suddenly eating well, and they're suddenly doing all these things because they're back on the market and now they want to find somebody. So they're the best version of themselves. Do you know what they should have done? They should have done all of that before while they were still married for their spouse. They should have invested the time and the energy in themselves to be the best version of themselves, not after they get divorced for the guy who may come later on or the woman who may come later on, but for their existing husband or wife and for their children and for the sake of their family unit. That's why it's important that a husband look appealing to his wife and a wife looks appealing to her husband. The biggest mistake is when people let go. They get married and suddenly they've got what they wanted. And then for the women, the pregnancies are oftentimes the excuse. Now I can let myself go. I can eat as much as I want, whenever I want. Got an excuse. I'm eating for two. Relax. You know, I'll lose the weight after the pregnancy. And when that doesn't happen and they lose motivation because now they're married, suddenly it snowballs. Then the husband sees that and he starts to be that supportive husband and he starts to put on the weight during her pregnancy. He can't get it off and she can't get it off. And now they're no longer attracted to each other. But after the divorce and they're back on the make market, suddenly it becomes top priority. We've got it all backwards, my friends. We have to revisit it. Invest now. If you're still married, even if you're having a difficult marriage, these are the things that are going to save your marriage. These are the things that can turn it around entirely and give you a marriage of bliss. And avoid all of the difficulties and the challenges that Kelly Rippa and her friends and Hollywood and secularism are not going to tell you about. The downside that comes with divorce, and there are many of them. Let's avoid them at all costs, my friends. Have an amazing day, amazing rest of your weekend. We'll chat again on Tuesday. Thank you for spending time with us on the Trust Factor Podcast. If you've heard something today that moved you, save this episode and share it with someone who might need to hear it. Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss upcoming conversations that challenge, empower, and uplift. And if you're on social media, connect with us. Leave your thoughts. Drop a quote that resonated with you. Hashtag the TrustFactor Podcast. Until next time, keep growing in your trust and keep living with purpose. I'm Jesse Revivo, and this has been the Trust Factor Podcast. Thanks for listening.