Episode 164 - Flip Hating to Feeling Sorry

Forgiveness isn’t about pretending the hurt didn’t happen, and it’s not about saying everything was okay. It’s about refusing to let pain keep shaping your life long after the moment has passed.

When we hold on to resentment, we carry a weight that keeps us stuck in the past. But when we choose to forgive, we give ourselves permission to breathe again, heal again, and move forward with clarity.

That’s why forgiveness is so powerful. It’s not just a gift to the other person — it’s a gift to yourself, your family, and your future. The more we let go of bitterness, the more room we create for peace, growth, and real freedom.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is also the most healing thing to do.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I'll let you in on a secret. I may have told you about this before. That's my approach to life. Whenever I feel that I'm about to hate somebody, I turn hating that individual into feeling sorry for that individual. Because they're doing wrong because they don't know better and they're going to be punished for the behavior, for their actions, for their choices. When you're able to flip the script and now go from being hateful and spiteful and all of the negativity that comes from that to now suddenly going to remorse or sadness. What can I do to help this individual? You'll no longer get mad at them. How could you be mad at somebody that you feel pity for? The trust factor is to take you to a better life. The trust factor shows you how to get through the night. We're leading into the week of, this is the week of Tishab. It's a very solemn week. It's a time where we remember what we used to have, the way that we used to live, when we had real purpose, when we had real direction, when we knew that God's house was here. We had the temples and we knew what to do with them. Today, and for a very long time, we haven't had that. And I heard something interesting that my rabbi said. We're supposed to be mourning. We're supposed to be sad, supposed to be thinking about that, which is so difficult. It's so difficult because we never had the opportunity to live in that reality. We don't know what it was like to live with the temple, the Beta Megdash, the first or the second. We have no clue. There's no connection anymore. It's been so long gone for us. How are we supposed to connect back to a generation, to a time and place in history where we have no recollection of. We have no appreciation of. Many times we're not even capable of feeling bad for something that happened last week. We're over it. We're on to the next thing already. We felt bad when it happened. Okay, now it's gone. We've mourned and now we've moved on. And you can even say that about, God forbid, a passing of a family member, God forbid. But we have this thing called forgetfulness, right? We forget over time, and that's a gift. Even in this lifetime, when we have tragedy, God forbid, eventually, with time, it wanes and life goes on. And eventually we forget so much of that pain and sorrow. So, how are we expected to remember pain and sorrow from thousands of years ago that we weren't even here? And so we have to make it relevant, just like the rest of Torah, we have to make it applicable today. How do we make it applicable? Let's put ourselves in a practical situation. My rabbi gave it over that if I'm a father who has all the money in the world and all the resources in the world that I've worked so hard to achieve. And my number one care in this world is my children. That's all I care about. I just want them to be happy. I just want them to be fulfilled. And so I'm going to work my whole life just to provide for them. Right or wrong is a different story. I'm giving you a scenario that's real life over here. I've dedicated and committed my life to these children. And so I buy them all houses. I buy them all these wonderful homes that they can live in and build and make their own. And then something happens and I've lost all of my wealth and I can no longer sustain my family. There's two problems. One problem is that they no longer have that home to live in where they could find peace and harmony and build a family and come closer to each other and to make. But number two is, and this is probably even worse, is the fact that they've learned to live without it. They've learned to accept the new standard, although it's a reduced standard. It could even be that they're homeless. It could even be that they don't have a roof over their head, but they've made it work and they've come to accept their new standard as normal and acceptable. When it clearly isn't, they should always yearn to have those two back, the relationship with their father and this beautiful home where they can come together and build an amazing family and a host and do all these wonderful things that help them to achieve their purpose. Both of those are gone. Put ourselves in that kind of a scenario and just imagine for a second how tragic that would be. If your children had moved on and want nothing to do with you, and they've got their own lives and there's zero appreciation for what you've done for them. In fact, not only is there no appreciation, they've forgotten about it entirely. You almost don't exist. And it's perfectly okay that they don't have all of these wonderful resources that you've been showering them with. What did I work my whole life for? What did I bring them into this world for if not to be able to support them and help them grow and see them flourish? That's the challenge. And so put yourself in that mindset and recognize you would never want that for yourself. And that's what God is suffering with today. If God suffers, that's what it is. He's sad that the the homes that he built in this world for us to come close to him have been destroyed. But more importantly, he's sad that we've become accustomed to not having it. So let's do our best this week to be able to reflect back on that a little bit and just be grateful. If you can't be sad and shed tears, be grateful if you still have that, if you still have a good relationship with your children, and if you're able to provide and they're able to appreciate and you're able to come together in these beautiful homes that God allows you to have. Let's get into this difficult conversation. We were talking about forgiveness. We're saying you got divorced, you had a rough marriage, you had a rough relationship, you didn't work on yourselves properly, you didn't inject the buna into your relationships, the awareness that there is a God that runs this world. And so you thought it was all about you and it was all about the here and now, and you made a series of mistakes that ultimately led to divorce. Now what? How do you move forward? Do you sit in a wallow in the past? Do you sit and beat yourself down or beat the other people down around you? Are you going to be perpetually miserable at the entire world? If that sounds odd to you, I have news for you. There are so many people walking around the world perpetually upset at everyone. They are victims forever. It is a defense mechanism. It is an excuse that they will use as a reason for all of their problems. The Torah addresses this, and the Garden of Muna is talking about it. How important it is for us to be able to forgive, not just for the other person that we have to forgive, not just for them, but equally, if not more so, for ourselves. When you forgive somebody entirely, not even 99%, 100% pure forgiveness, real, genuine forgiveness, where you harbor absolutely zero resentment or hatred for that person, no hard feelings, then you have done yourself the biggest favor in the world. Now, if there are children involved, you've done them the biggest favor you can ever do for those children. And then if you really feel that way, then the person who you were hating on also benefits in a huge way. How do we do that? How do we get to the point where that person who's caused so much damage in my life, so many bad things, he's destroyed everything that we've built. I can never forgive him for that. How do we get to the point where we forgive? And there are many ways to do it. One of them I just explained to you. Remember who you're forgiving for. It's for you and for your children. Because a weight, a thousand kilo weight, comes off of your chest when you forgive that individual. Truly forgive and move on and start to enjoy life. If not, it's the anchor that's holding you down and not allowing you to move forward. But there are other ways. And it says over here that if you ask yourself, if she was the one that was wronged, why should she forgive? In other words, flip the script. If I'm the one that needs forgiveness, would I want to be forgiven? Or would I be okay with being perpetually held to account for the rest of my life because of some series of mistakes that I've made previously? Everybody wants forgiveness. Think about it from your own pocket and say to yourself, wait a second, if I did something wrong, which I do, we all do. We all make mistakes, we've all hurt other people before. If I was the one that was wrong, wouldn't I want forgiveness? And the answer is obviously yes. Not only would we want it, we expect it. When we don't get it, we blame the other person. We say, What's wrong with that person? I've apologized two, three, five, ten times. They're not accepting of it. We would demand this forgiveness. But somehow, when the script is flipped and suddenly we're the ones who have to give forgiveness, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, not so easy, right? I need you to jump through all these hoops before I even contemplate giving you forgiveness. So stop and recognize that you are also often the person who needs to be forgiven. And nothing would be better if that process was made simple. Now, we talked about this last week. Too simple, and there's a problem. That forgiveness, that atonement, like in Judaism, like in prayer, means that I've acknowledged that I've done wrong, that I really truly feel badly, not lip service. And that I have made efforts, I've put steps in place to be able to improve. Now, once I've seen that this individual has improved, they've made steps, they've made progress. I'm watching closely because remember, I've got that cracked door. I can look through and see, are they really putting their money where their mouths are? Are they really doing the things that they said that they were going to try to do to improve? And if I see that they are, wonderful. We could start to forgive and forget. But if we see that they are exactly the same person, or maybe even getting worse, but they're putting on a show, then it's going to be clear. And you have to maintain that distance for your sake and for your family's sake. But that door always remains open a crack as long as they are above ground. What's another way? Remember, a couple weeks ago, now more than that, maybe a couple of months ago, we talked about the fact that everyone should believe that all suffering in life comes directly from the creator. All of the suffering that you're going through while this person is not giving you atonement or while you're not forgiving somebody else, is brought on by your creator in order for you to spur change. That individual who comes to you and berates you, who treats you badly, is a stick in God's hand. At the end of the day, he sent them, and we have to understand why he chose them. He chose that person, which could have been your spouse in this case, to come at you and to beat you down and to minimize you and to wrong you and to do all these different things. But the question is why? Number one, why did he send them? And number two, why them? Why not some stranger who's distant from my family? This way it wouldn't have interrupted my family unit. And the answer is because number one, I deserved it. I was behaving badly. And that's why God brought her to the extent where she's going to say, Oh, go figure out your life. Go figure this thing out and then come back to me later on if you manage to be successful in figuring out this thing called life. But until now, the way you're behaving is completely unacceptable. You're gone until you can figure it out. That's because of something I did, not her and not the neighbor and not the kids. Me. That's number one. Number two is he chose her because she also sinned. She also has what to repair. She also has a bill to pay. Now, if she's going to pay a bill, then God says, I might as well utilize her. I might as well send her as the messenger of bad. And so she's going to get punished for what she did that led up to that, plus what she's doing now. She's going to pay a price for it. So we have to look at that and think to ourselves, I feel sorry for that individual. I feel grateful to God that He sent them over to make me correct my ways, but I feel sorry for the individual who now is going to be punished for this behavior. I'll let you in on a secret. I may have told you about this before. That's my approach to life all the time. And I tell my wife the same thing. Whenever I feel that I'm about to hate somebody, I turn the hatred into sorrow. I turn hating that individual into feeling sorry for that individual because they're doing wrong. They're doing wrong because they don't know better and they're going to be punished for their sins, for the behavior, for their actions, for their choices. When you're able to go from being hateful and spiteful and all of the negativity that comes from that, to now suddenly going to remorse or sadness or a sense of maybe a little bit of despair for this individual. What can I do to help this individual? It flips 180 degrees. You'll no longer get mad at them. How could you be mad at somebody that you feel pity for? I pity this individual. The opposite happens. I want to help them. I want them to see clearly. I want them to see the mistakes that they're making. Now, that may not come from me, and that's okay. But the very fact that I am not hating on them now, but instead of hating, I'm actually feeling sorry for them. I'm doing myself a massive favor, myself and my entire family, and that individual. And it's true, I should feel sorry for them based on what I just told you, what the book says, which is that this individual is a messenger, a messenger for bad. I wouldn't want to be chosen as a messenger for bad, because if I was, that would mean that I've got a price to pay. And so therefore, he's utilizing me and my price has just gone up. I'm put in a difficult situation. But God chose me, and therefore I need to feel sorry. Think about it like this. If you're harboring resentment towards an individual, if you're constantly hating on an individual and you're not forgiving them, let's assume it's a father. Let's assume, God forbid, you're estranged from your father. You don't want anything to do with him. You had no relationship with them in years, you haven't spoken to him, and you avoid that conversation at all costs or that interaction. And now comes a family party. Your son or your daughter are bar but mitzvot, or somebody gets engaged, or somebody gets married, so on and so forth, birthday parties, graduations. Every time the family comes together, even though you think you've closed that wound, you've closed that chapter on life with your relationship with your father, you think you've gotten away from it. But suddenly the graduation comes or at the birthday party. And now you've got family members around. And do you know what one or two or ten of them are going to ask you about? Your father, where's your father? How come you didn't invite them? Now you might think these people are oblivious, it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, they're trying to find peace. Good people want to make peace. So they're going to remind you that your father's not here. Well, you don't know that. Of course, I didn't invite him. Your response to that is going to be either one that demonstrates that you've really closed it, that you've really got proper perspective on it, or that it's really eating away at you. If it's hatred and resentment, your response is going to be, I don't want a relationship with anymore. I wrote him off. I have nothing to do with him. And suddenly the wound has reopened. Suddenly you're backed in. You're forced back into something that you thought you closed off. And the individual listening to you thinks, God, this guy's full of hate. This guy is holding a grudge. They don't care what the facts are behind the story. They don't care who's right or wrong. They just know that years have passed. And the second they ask you about your relationship with your father, you fly off the handle. Clearly, you've got a part in this problem, and you're continuing to be a big part of that problem. What's the alternative if you've really, instead of hating this individual, your father, you've felt sorry for them that he hasn't been able to maintain a relationship with his children and his grandchildren and all the rest of it. If that's really where it's coming from, that feeling of sorrow, of feeling bad for an individual who's made bad choices and is going to pay the price, then your response to that family member who says, Where's your father? You say, I don't know. I wish he could be here. I wish we could share in this happiness and this incha together. But I've tried many times and he's simply not willing. He hasn't changed. Whatever the story may be, it continues, and I really feel badly for him. And if there was an opportunity to reconcile, I would love it. And you're being honest. Why? Because you've left the door open a crack. That's your opportunity to reconcile. He has to want it though, right? So now the individual hearing that from you thinks, wow, that's very big of you. That you've left the door open a crack, that you're not harboring hatred and resentment, that you're not a negative person, that on the contrary, you feel sorry for your father. That may even spur the individual to speak to the father to say, you know, there's an opportunity you're missing out on. But they wouldn't do that if all they saw was hatred coming out of you. They would think, wait a second, I'm not going to be able to help over here. This one hates, that one hates. What chances are there of reconciliation? Slim to none. But if it's based on feeling sorry for an individual and they know that there is always an opportunity to make things right, then there is a real opportunity that you'd be able to reverse course and you'll be able to establish those relationships because you've helped that person become a better version of themselves. That is a Torah approach to forgiveness. That is a Torah approach to relationships. That, my friends, is the Torah approach to life. Embrace it. It's the only way forward. Have an amazing rest of your weekend. We'll chat again on Tuesday. Thank you for spending time with us on the Trust Factor Podcast. If you've heard something today that moved you, save this episode and share it with someone who might need to hear it. Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss upcoming conversations that challenge, empower, and uplift. And if you're on social media, connect with us. Leave your thoughts. Drop a quote that resonated with you. Hashtag the TrustFactor Podcast. Until next time, keep growing in your trust and keep living with purpose. I'm Jesse Revivo, and this has been the Trust Factor Podcast. Thanks for listening.