Episode 165 - Navigating Conflict When You're Outnumbered

The secret to avoiding divorce and raising resilient kids? It’s simpler than you think. Here’s what truly matters:

Are we really doing enough to guide our children during their formative years?

Drop a ❤️ if you believe in the power of Torah and Emuna in shaping a better future.

Many parents miss this crucial step: learning from past mistakes and turning them into lessons, especially in today’s fear-driven generation. Kids are terrified to make decisions, afraid of failure — but mistakes are our greatest teachers.

The real key? Internalize each experience, work on your character, and let your actions speak louder than words. When you improve yourself, your children notice—and they follow.
Are you ready to become the role model your kids need? Remember, real change starts with you.

Despite everything, prayer and Torah learning can transform even the hardest situations—so keep faith, keep praying, and keep growing.

What’s one small step you’ll take today to be a better example? Share below ⬇️ and tag someone who needs this reminder!

#emunainaction #growthmindset #JewishWisdom #ParentingWithFaith #lifelessons #thetrustfactorpodcast #jewishpodcasts

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

To now have to take a back seat to somebody who you completely disagree with, somebody who you don't see eye to eye with, somebody who's possibly even trying to sink you, coming at you, doing everything they can to make your life miserable, and they have your children? It's not a good place to be. So how do we deal with it? The trust factor is the ticket to a better life. The trust factor shows you how to get through the night. Welcome to the Trust Factor Podcast, my friends. We're into an amazing discussion. A really, really important one. I hope it doesn't apply to so many of you, but the reality is, it does. We're living in a day and age where too many people are divorced. Far too many people are getting divorced. A lot are not getting married, and if they do get married, it doesn't last long. And it ultimately ends up in divorce so many times. How do we avoid that? We've gone through this before. Perspective, emuna. Emuna is the answer to all of our problems when applied in certain contexts in different ways. That is the tool to unlock greatness in every aspect of your life. Period. End of sentence. We've talked about it from the perspective of marriage and family relations. Understanding what your role is, understanding how to interact with your spouse, the rules of the game. Be very careful. Don't break those rules because you will end up in a very bad place. How do you know what the rules are? You've got to learn them. So if you weren't part of the conversation, go back. A couple of weeks now, maybe three weeks, we've been talking about this. There is priceless information that comes from the Garden of Imuna, which is ultimately Torah information that comes from a divine source, the only divine source that we have on this planet. So let's get into it. Right now, we're about to switch gears and talk about children. The most important part of this dynamic are those impressionable, young, innocent individuals that we chose to bring into this life. Now, our decisions, good, bad, or otherwise, are going to impact them as much, if not more, than they'll impact us. Why? We're already in our 30s, 40s, 50s. We're already established and set and well in our way, understanding who we are. Sure, there's room for growth, but we are far away from our formative years. We are who we are. There are going to be opportunities to rise and fall a little bit, but by and large, we know who we are. Now, the children, most of the time, when this happens, they're in their formative years. These are the things that are going to impact who they are as human beings, as individuals. And so that impact on them is life-changing, good, bad, or otherwise. So we have to make sure that it is always good and minimize as much as we can the bad. Best way to do that is with the Muna. We're going to talk about that in a minute. But before, we're going to cap off this idea of learning from the past. We talked about forgiveness. That's learning from the past. I understand that I have to give forgiveness the same way I would want it. I have to give it. But more than that, it says that we have to learn from the past. That is the key to move forward. If you can't learn from your past, then the move forward is going to end up with the same results. You're going to end up repeating the same mistakes. That's why it's so important to learn from the past. There's an idea. I learned this a long time ago in business, but really it applies to all aspects of life. When kids, especially in this generation, I don't know if you noticed, but if you have kids in their late teens and early 20s, maybe even late 20s, then I'm sure that you've noticed that they are paralyzed with fear to make decisions. Children in this generation, at least the many that I've had the opportunity to sit and learn Torah with or to teach to, are demonstrating that they are terrified to make decisions. They don't want to commit to a job as a career because it might be the wrong one. They're terrified to pick a soulmate because they're terrified that they're going to make the wrong decision. And so because of their fear of choosing wrong, they don't choose at all oftentimes, which is why, as we said before, this concept of marriage gets pushed out sometimes indefinitely. They just don't get married anymore. And when they do, it's sometimes well into their 30s and sometimes even into their 40s, which is very, very difficult to start a relationship, let alone to bring children into this world. How do you avoid that pitfall? By learning from your mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes. They are positive. In business, I learned that you'll only ever fail in business if you don't learn from your mistakes. If you've learned from your mistakes, not only is it not failure, it's actually a success. You've actually done something good. It's a positive. A lot of people are so hurt by what's happened and that the fact that it's happened to them that they cannot accept that and they see it immediately as failure. It's only a failure if you fail to learn from it. If you haven't taken the time to assess what happened, what did I do good? What did I do bad? What mistakes did I make along the way? Why? Why do we want to learn from history? We want to learn from history so that we minimize the chances of these negative things repeating themselves. But how do we minimize those chances? By internalizing the mistakes that we made, review them and understand this worked out well, this didn't work out well. Next time, I'm not going to repeat that, right? That's it. You've now taken what could have been a negative and turned it into a positive. And the same thing applies over here. He says once he realizes that he still has a life to lead, I still have the rest of my life, then he can learn from his past to make decisions for the future. He can learn where he went wrong and how he needs to behave now in order to avoid falling into the same traps. Where's the imunah that I was lacking before? Where's a qualified orthodox rabbi that I can sit with and learn from the Torah, from the instruction manual given by he who brought me into this world and created the world? Because who knows better how to operate this world than he who created it? It's like you're buying a microwave. Everybody knows how to use a microwave. You go to Walmart today, you can buy a microwave for $50. And the first thing that happens when you open it up on the top of the box is you see a manual. What do I need a manual for? I know how to use it. I put my food in, I push a couple minutes, and I got warm food or I've got popcorn or whatever it is that I'm doing, everybody knows how to use it. So why do I need to have this manual? Because there is nobody in the world who is better qualified to teach you the insides and outsides of this appliance. If you want to get 99% of its functionality, you want to maximize its capabilities, then read the manual. If you want to be like the other 98% of the population who don't read the manual and are only using their microwave to defrost their food or to make popcorn, then you don't have to read it. But you know what you're doing? You're missing out on the other 98% of its potential. There are so many things that somebody can do with a microwave that you don't even have to use your brain. They're so technologically advanced. Most people haven't got a clue. Why? Because they haven't read the manual. Okay, then you're severely lacking. So the idea is now that I understand I've made mistakes, I understand now I have insight that I've only been using 2% of my potential. Let me line myself up with an Orthodox rabbi who is capable of teaching me the Torah, who understands me, who understands my family and my circumstances, who cares about me, who I can connect with on an emotional level, on a real level, on an intellectual level, and let me learn from them because there is nobody more qualified to teach it than these individuals, and that's what they're here for. Tap into it. That's how you learn from your past, and that's how you make efforts to not repeat those very same mistakes. You may end up having the merit to even remarry your wife. But if you don't, if that doesn't happen, then now you have eyes to see and to appreciate the fact that it wasn't supposed to happen and that you can move forward with prayer and with penitence and understanding that she's now got her own life and you've got your own life and whatever resources you share together, whether it's children or other family members, you have now a new perspective with which to deal with that through prayer and through aluna. He gives us a prayer over here. If you happen to find yourself in that situation where your spouse has moved on, listen to the words that he uses. Master of the world, if my ex-wife and I still have a joint mission, then help us to reconcile and live in peace and love. And if our correction together is complete, we're done. Have mercy on us that we should each find a new partner and live lives of Amuna, through which we will merit happiness, peace, and tranquility. I'm praying not just for me, but for my wife. And if there are children involved, and even if there aren't, you chose this person to spend the rest of your life with. You built a house and a home together. And if you haven't forgiven enough to be able to pray on their behalf, then you're stuck. You're not going to be able to move forward. You know that the road is wide open ahead when despite the divorce and despite all the negativity that came from it, you worked on yourself and you found forgiveness, you've given it, you've received it, you've done everything you can, you've learned and you've grown, you've injected Amuna into your life, and now you can pray for your spouse, your ex-spouse, with a complete, honest heart. If you find yourself in that position, then you're well on the road to success. Why? Because now you can accept the outcome. Yesterday you couldn't because you didn't have faith, you didn't have a muna, you didn't know who ran the world. Today you've learned. Now you have a muna, now you know who calls the shots, and you accept it with love because you know that everything he does for you and for your ex-spouse and for your children is all for your best. Now we talk about those children. What happens when you have children that you've brought into this world? And now, God forbid, one of the most difficult parts of divorce is custody of the children. Where do they go? With which parent will they remain? Who has custody? And how are you going to feel about it if it's the other spouse that has custody of your children, at least primary custody of your children? That's a difficult pill to swallow, my friends. How do we deal with it? Where can we use our immuna and how do we put it into play to be able to work on that part of our life? Let's read. It says, one of the most difficult problems with divorced couples is with the children and when they are put into the custody of the father or the mother, who then doesn't take proper care of them, whether physically, as in the case of neglect or God forbid, abuse, or spiritually, when a parent, one of these parents, who may have been coming along in their religious observance, all of a sudden is so negatively impacted by this divorce, and they were just hanging on by a thread before. Maybe they were following the lead of the other spouse who is much more religious or spiritual or on a stronger path of growth in their observance. And suddenly that person's no longer around anymore. So it's so much easier for them to just throw in the towel and move on. And now suddenly that spouse, who at least was somewhat on the same page before, has now left, abandoned Judaism altogether, and is now impacting the children and their spirituality in a way that you would not want. What do you do? Very, very difficult. I know of people like this, friends that I see, oftentimes they're too public about it, and they post it online and you feel terribly for those people. You see what they deal with on a daily basis, and their hands are tied. They can't do anything about it. And it tears them up inside. Difficult position to be in. These are the people that we love the most. These are our children. We've given our lives over for these children. And to now have to take a back seat to somebody who you completely disagree with, somebody who you don't see eye to eye with, somebody who's possibly even trying to sink you, coming at you, doing everything they can to make your life miserable, and they have your children, it's not a good place to be. So how do we deal with it? The parent who doesn't have custody of the children is broken, it says. But that's not the way. It's also not truth. For no one should let any problem, as difficult as it may be, ruin their lives, for that solves nothing. But with persistent prayer, one can overturn any harsh degree, see all salvations, and help others as well. One of the best ways that you can achieve success in that department where you are going to come closer to your children, whether they or your ex-spouse like it, is by working on yourself. Praying to the creator, number one, but number two, work on yourself. Become the best version of you. How do you do that? By growing in your Torah observance, by learning Torah daily, by teaching whatever you've learned, because you will never learn more Torah than you will when you prepare to teach Torah. And by working on your midot, on your character. When you work on your character and you refine who you are and you become the best, because that's what the Torah does, by the way. The Torah refines you, it makes you the best version of you. That's what it's designed to do. That's why we have an instruction manual, like we said with the microwave. You want to utilize 98% of your potential? Read the manual. Same idea. So when you've done that, you now become the image of a wonderful person who's caring and slow to anger and at peace and is merciful, and all of these wonderful attributes, which at the end of the day, that's what we're here for. We're here to emulate our creator, and he's given us his attributes, the 13 attributes that God represents, like I just mentioned, some of them being slow to anger, having all the patience in the world, being merciful, all about truth, avoiding lies. All of these things are the characteristics of Hashem, our creator, and it's our job to emulate him in this world, to become as godly as we can. So when you're busy working on yourself and you're succeeding in those areas to make yourself that individual, you don't think they're going to notice. Of course they are. And do you know who's not doing that? Your ex-spouse. So if your ex-spouse is not doing that and you're doing that, you're working on yourself and they're not, what do you think the children are going to notice? And where do you think they're going to want to be? So the pressure is now on. Not from you. You don't have to put one ounce of pressure on your ex-spouse or on your children. It's going to come organically. Why? Because they have eyes to see and they will see your behavior. Any time that you have to spend with them, they will see a new improved father. They will see somebody who's level-headed, who doesn't fly off the handle anymore, who comes with good advice, who teaches them the right way. And suddenly they feel a sense of comfort with them and a sense of security with you. And now they're making choices that are leaning towards you. And the spouse, the ex-spouse, has no choice but to acknowledge this. That is the best way, my friends. The fighting and the violence, God forbid, and the aggression are going to get you nowhere. It's going to end up ten times worse. You may never end up seeing your children again. This is your opportunity to fix the past so that you can move forward with a clean slate, my friends. It says life goes on when children are not in a particular parent's custody, and he suspects that they're not receiving proper care, very, very difficult. Even though the parent's worry is justified, obviously, he or she needs to decide. I'm doing all that I can for my children. What's he doing? He's providing for them financially, visiting them as much as he can, and giving them attention and love. But more than that, he's learnt and has become a better person because of his learning in Torah and his Amuna. And that is parlaying into his children. Whenever he sees them, they're getting that message. Nerves or loss of temper won't help me. The parents should pray for the health and success and happiness of the children every day for a fixed amount of time. And then turn his attention to other things because waging wars, getting lawyers involved, and making things really bad for the other spouse is going to make the whole situation worse, not just for them, but for you and for your children as well. Model good behavior and pray for your children. You're not the first and you're not the last person who's ever had to put his children in the custody and care of somebody that they once loved, that they chose to be their spouse. Even worse, how many children have been put in situations where they are now in the hands of people who don't care about them or wish the worst for them? Can you imagine? What do you think happened in World War II? How many kids were on their own and abandoned entirely? They couldn't be with their parents. They were separated by force and they were left on their own to fend for themselves. How did they survive? Certainly many didn't, but many thrived. Many figured things out. God watches over them. It's called divine providence. And he makes sure that they end up exactly where they need to end up, in the right home, in the right circumstances, with the right influence. But you can assure yourself that the second that those parents were forced to separate from the children, non-stop daily prayer from each one of those parents. For who? For their children. Please, God, make sure that they find the right home. Make sure that they're safe. Make sure that they have food. Make sure that they have clothing. Make sure that they don't run into the wrong people. Make sure that they're not influenced by the wrong influences. All of these prayers on a daily basis, all day, every day. That's what a parent needs to do. If God forbid you've been separated from your child, pray fervently every single day. But in this case, just a divorce. They're still accessible to you. So take it in stride. Take the opportunity to work on yourself. Become the best version that they can ever witness of you. And they will do everything that they can to reestablish that relationship with you naturally, organically. That's the way to do it, my friends. You have an amazing day. We'll chat again tomorrow. Thank you for spending time with us on the Trust Factor Podcast. If you've heard something today that moved you, save this episode and share it with someone who might need to hear it. Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss upcoming conversations that challenge, empower, and uplift. And if you're on social media, connect with us. Leave your thoughts. Drop a quote that resonated with you. Hashtag the TrustFactor Podcast. Until next time, keep growing in your trust and keep living with purpose. I'm Jesse Revivo, and this has been the Trust Factor Podcast. Thanks for listening.